Today I met my biggest inspiration: Lana Del Rey. We talked about her videos and my videos, about her poems and my poems, about Walt Whitman and about art coming from sadness. About love. I gave her a scrapbook I’ve been doing for the last two months, with over 50 of her unreleased songs illustrated with beautiful pictures I collected. And she loved it, she really did, I saw it in her eyes. I also gave her a one of a kind Nancy Sinatra vinyl that I bought in a vintage shop, and she said she’d pack it with her suitcase to listen to it all over the tour. “Of course I won’t forget your face, I love you” was the sweetest thing someone has ever said to me. And it was her: my biggest inspiration, the reason I keep making art; it was her who said it. Now, I know what happiness feels like.
I am constantly looking for company, not the love kind… but it seems that I also constantly lose it. in my head the problem was them, because they always left at some point. so a few minutes ago it just hit me… I am the common denominator in this matter.
apparently I can’t hold on to people, I guess in my trying to keep slightly apart I push them away really hard… and not me or them realize it until it’s done.
then my fear of leaving my country and being all by myself without literally no one is beyond reason, because I am already all alone.
so I gonna change shapes to hide somewhere else, take life by the balls and try to live life the way I have wanted since I was a little girl.